I WILL REMEMBER YOU, WILL YOU REMEMBER ME?

DON'T LET YOUR LIFE PASS YOU BY,

WEEP NOT FOR THE MEMORIES 

REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES THAT WE HAD?   --SARAH MCLACHLAN

Today, August 10,  a good man, Thom Barber,  was laid to rest.  I knew him as a friend and colleague, and I have spent a great deal of time thinking about him ever since I found out almost a week ago that he had passed away.  Like anyone my age, I have had loved ones die, but this death hit me hard and I've been trying to figure out why.

I hadn't spoken to him in the  six years since I retired and moved, and for a few years before that we had only a nodding acquaintance and polite exchange of words as we passed in the hall.  But there had been a time when I felt I knew him pretty well.  We spent many summer days teaching enrichment classes at LSU, where we taught next door to each other and shared lunch time almost every day.  At one point in time at Baton Rouge High we were pretty close.  He invited me on some Woods and Waters campouts, drove me around in his Miata, tried to teach me to fly fish, and we even dated for a short time, although neither of us was looking for anything serious.  We shared a few picnic lunches on the lawn at BRHS, and if I rooted around  I could probably find a picture of us at prom that year.

But things change and people change and relationships end, although I always considered him a friend.  I envied him as a teacher because he had such an easy rapport with his students, who for the most part adored him.  Back then, I was too much of a tight ass and a stickler for maintaining high academic standards.  I recall a conversation I had with him once when he told me it was a lot easier teaching an elective class such as he did because you could loosen up and have more fun.  I was astonished when he told me that he never gave a grade below a "C", thinking that he wasn't hard enough.  But he taught those kids more logic, more philosophy, and more life skills than I ever dreamed of, and he challenged them to think--really think--critically.  I could have learned to be a better teacher from him.

I think Thom was a solitary man by nature.  Yes, he had friends, but he also spent a good deal of time by himself.  In another life he might have been a contemplative monk.  I used to tease him that you should never trust a man who didn't read fiction, but he was also a great fan of Homer Simpson.  He was a good cook and when I first knew him delighted in baking bread and giving it away.  When one of his friends got sick, or needed a hand, Thom was there to help him out--mowing grass for his neighbors or taking someone to the doctor.

As I write this, I realize that all of Thom's friends and colleagues have their own "Thom" memories and stories.  I bet they all center around how kind and caring he was, and how good a listener he could be if you needed one.  He was genuinely a nice, decent person who made the world a better place.  It makes me sad that he died alone, but then again, that's maybe how he would have wanted it.  I just hope he had some inkling of the impact he had on so many people.

If I take anything away from Thom's death, I hope it is that friendships need to be nourished in order to continue to grow.  I didn't do my part to continue to nourish ours.  I no longer live in Baton Rouge, but I THOUGHT about calling him when he retired to tell  him congratulations.  I knew that many of his former students had come on his final day to honor him, but I just wanted to tell him there IS life after Baton Rouge High.  I thought of him (and many others) who lost their homes in the flood, and I THOUGHT of calling him to see if he had recovered.  I am ashamed to admit that I didn't even go by his room the last time I visited BRHS.  I will regret my inaction for a long time.

I do have dear friends whom I maintain close relationships with, but there are many other people in my life, both past and present,  that I don't see or talk to often enough.  I know that LIFE gets in the way, and I am as guilty as the next person of putting off making contact.  I know that one day, I might get another phone call informing me that one of them has passed away, and I will once again be left with the bitter taste of regret.

My thanks to the former students who posted pictures of Thom.  I don't remember who I borrowed these photos from, but thank you.